Definitely Single

Ok, so I am definitely single. No steady boo.  For a moment there, I felt I was in a confessional.  Bless me Father, for I have not had engaged in intimate congress in more years than I'd like to admit.  For this I am heartily sorry.  

It's not a sin to be alone.  I'm sure there are many great women who have had fulfilling lives without a a steady beau.  I recently asked some married women if they would be married if they could go back in time and do it over again.  They admitted that being alone sounded like an enticing option.  After several years of marriage, they lost the romance that brought them to their spouse.  I'm sure true fulfilling love happens.  Several times in my life I've been a witness to some loving wonderful marriages, those relationships are what brings me hope.  Hope that one day I will be beside someone who will warm those old cold memories.

It's been seven months since I started on-line "dating." There have been three gentlemen who I have actually met and dated.  It took me a while to discern the wheat from the chaff.  At first I was falling into the trap of grifters and getting catfished at every turn.  Those bottom feeders prey on women not to gain love and belonging, but for money or material goods. Unfortunately, even men fall victim to this band of miscreants.   

Nun Approved

I had started with Zoosk, went to OurTime, eHarmony, and then Catholic Match.  I met Jim on OurTime.  We talked on the phone several times and finally met for coffee.  He turned out to be a bigot, so that was our one and only date.  In today's society you would think people would be enlightened. They would know that telling racial and ethnic jokes are a sign of ignorance and bigotry.  There is no place for either in my life.

On Catholic Match I met John.  He's bald with a great big smile.  The moment I saw him I wanted to meet him.  We spent some time chatting back and forth on Catholic Match about movies and he finally asked me out.  I was busy for the next couple weeks, so I suggested we talk first.  He called me one night and we had a great time on the phone.  He giggles!  I couldn't believe it.  We were talking about something and he giggled.  How cute is that?  I couldn't wait to meet him so I proposed that we meet in Batavia after a retreat I was going on with my church ladies.  Since it was closer to his house, he picked the restaurant.  I arrived first and sent him a text, "I'm here.  Look for the pretty girl with the red scarf sitting at the end of the counter."  Next to me in the restaurant was a table with six ladies and they were laughing up a storm.  I leaned over and asked what's so funny.  One of the women replied that they just told the waitress that I was paying the check.  Then she told me me it was her birthday.  We introduced ourselves.  They were nuns from down the street where I just came from my retreat.  Sister Karen asked why I was there by myself and if the waitress had forgotten me.  I explained that I was waiting for my date to arrive.  I told her he was coming from Mass.  She said she liked him already.  I shared that this was our first date and we met on Catholic Match.  I requested that she check him out and let me know if she thought he was a loser or a nice guy.  John arrived and we ordered lunch.  The ladies got up and I noticed Sister Karen standing behind John giving me the thumbs up with a huge smile on her face.  I said, "Great!"  John asked me, "what?"  And I said, "oh, never mind."  We had a couple great dates.  We went ice skating, played scrabble, watched a movie at my house, went out for dinner, and went to St. John Passion of Christ in Indiana.  He was interesting and fun.  One night he called me and said it wasn't working out for him.  He didn't feel attracted to me.  I was crushed.  I thanked him for his honesty and for the time we spent together.  I deleted his profile on my CM account.  I couldn't bare to see him again.  I really had fun with John.  I did share with him on our second date that he was, "Nun approved" and he liked the story.  Although it didn't work out with John.  I learned from the experience and look forward to more opportunities.

Gad Zoosk!

I heard about Zoosk on late-nite.  After signing up on their site for 30 days, I filled out the form and uploaded a photo.  15 minutes later I'm on-line ready to meet Mr. Right.  The next day Timi, a US Peacekeeper from Wisconsin reached out to me. On his form he left out his relationship status - Divorced, Never Married, Legally Separated, or Widowed.  I asked him what his status was and he said he was married but not any more.  I asked if he was divorced and he asked for my email so he could write me a letter.  The letter was full of information about his family, his wife had passed away and his daughter was on her own.  He mentioned his mother and sister, and what he liked to do for fun.  We wrote to each other every day for about a month.  We finally exchanged phone numbers so we could talk and text.  He asked for my address and I sent it to him.  He sent me roses.  He was handsome, kind and called me his "heartbeat."     




I also met Jim on Zoosk.  He said he was a steel distributor. We talked on the phone a couple times and he said he was heading to South Africa for a business trip and would call me when he got back.  He sent me an email asking me to send him money, that he had materials stuck in customs and needed money to complete his business. I ignored the request.  He called me on the phone saying he was in and needed the money that day.  I told him that I would not be sending him any money and we parted ways.  Jim was the first of many who asked me for money.  I wasn't emotionally invested in Jim and had no problem giving him the boot.  After the third guy on Zoosk asked for money, I didn't renew my subscription and complained to the site about the guys I was meeting.  



My friends were trying to convince me all along that I was being catfished   I didn't want to believe them.  They said Timi, like Jim was also lying.  Well truth be told, he finally asked me for money.  Saying he was deployed in Syria and got mugged and lost all his money and his computer blew up.  He asked first for a Mac computer then when I refused he wanted $1,500.  I was crushed like the old paper beer cups at the ball park.  It took me a long time to cut Timi off completely.  I liked the attention and he was really sweet.  BUT, he wasn't real.  I think there is a big warehouse with all these guys sitting at computers preying on lonely women.  Can you feature it?  They pull images off the internet and make up a back story.  We become emotionally involved and for $30 a month they have access to hundreds of women on one site alone.  

Love with the Proper Stranger

Have you ever seen the movie Love with the Proper Stranger with Natalie Wood and Steve McQueen?  She’s a Macy's clerk and he is a musician.  They have a one-night stand and she gets pregnant.  She tracks him down.  He doesn’t remember her at first.  She wants his help in finding someone who could perform the abortion.  This is 1964 and abortions were illegal, but attainable if you knew a guy who knew a guy.  They spend the majority of the movie trying to raise money for the abortion. There are moments in the film when their defenses are down and they look at each other and they see possibilities.  They are kind and considerate to each other.  It’s not an easy relationship considering how it started, but they demonstrate that even strangers can exhibit humanness, frailty, and compassion to each other.  It's the movies.  Of course they fall in-love.  It’s Steve McQueen!  Handsome, adorable smile, t-shirts and turtle necks.  I’m not exactly sure what a “proper stranger” is.  All people who are on-line seeking partners are looking for that humanness.  Someone to validate them.  Someone to say, "Yes, you are worthy of love."  The men I've met on-line are strangers and at times my desire for human connection has clouded my judgment.  I see what I want to see and have ignored the signs of deceit.  Thank goodness for my friends who looked out for me and pointed out the truth when I was too naive to see. 

Dating is the study of time, physical attributes, cognitive abilities, manners, and integrity.  We choose to take the risk and date because the rewards may be limitless.  Just moving forward through life is not enough anymore. We are challenged with social norms and familial expectations. Enough I say. Do what feels right, and if moved, chart a new path.